Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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