I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
