She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
FUCK WHALES
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
