I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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