remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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