just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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