I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
