i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
