Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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