So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
