In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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