Already got asked if we're dating
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
