Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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