Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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