So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
