I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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