In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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