There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
