why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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