It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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