Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
