a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
