Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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