my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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