Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
