Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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