can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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