So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
