Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
