guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
My balls are so social today.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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