it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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