I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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