Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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