dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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