Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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