I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
