You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
