he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
