Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
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