sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Randomize
