I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
