go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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