You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
