I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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