i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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