We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
