I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
