'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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