I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize
