i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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