I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
