your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
