jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I think we might need a safe word for this...
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
