Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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