if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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