Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
