Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
