I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
