i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
