You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
two words...techno handjob
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
