That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
