why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
