i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
